An update on the butterflies

Almost a month ago, I wrote and a vulnerable and girlish piece about my best friend, and the butterflies he started giving me. real life update? they haven't gone away. they feel less school girlie now, and a little more like, "yeah this is the direction I want for my life at least at this point" they're very specific butterflies. we've now gone out (as I said in a text to my sister, "gone out", gone out? not sure.) twice now. I don't hate spending time with him. even if we're just growing our friendship, I'm ok with that. I like getting to know him without having to compete. He and I are walking a fine line if we are headed towards something more than friends. It would rock our friend group a bit. I wonder if that's why it's going slower than maybe it normally would. 

and then the demons show up. 

you know, those little hellions that get into your thoughts and make you question everything. the ones that don't even try to find tact, they just straight up tell you "he's too good for you."

"have you seen his body? way out of your curvy girl league."

"have you seen his ex? you're not his type."

"have you heard what he talks about? you're not cultured enough."

"have you listened to his week? you don't work hard enough."

"have you seen your own dating success rate? you're not datable enough."

"have you listened to your own stories? you're not interesting enough."

"have you looked in a mirror? you're just not pretty enough."

no matter what they feed me, I am never enough. and i struggle to combat it because i feel that. I will not be enough for this guy because he is, wow. he's amazing. his motivation, his heart, his work ethic, his personality, his dreams...to be honest, his face, hair, and beard...this guy has so much going for him. what do I have to offer him, but a 5'2" chubby body, a "spicy with a side of awkward" personality, and the guarantee that I'll make him good food? not much. I listen intently when he talks about his job- he works hard and I want to understand what he does. but I 100% cannot explain it to you. (I can, however, tell you his job title, so hopefully, that's a plus) he is up on all the pop culture, I, am not...not at all. he loves to quiz me on songs and drop references and I wish I got them, but I don't. I don't want to be a disappointment to him right out of the gate. I want to be what he wants. I don't want him to be disappointed that I'm who he gets if I'm who he gets. but I feel that ache in my soul, to want to please him, and feeling like I just don't quite get there. If we do decide to walk this road, I want him to be proud of me. I want to know he will proudly introduce me to his family, his people. we'll see what happens, but its a lot right now, and to whoever reads this, just pray for me. ya girl needs it. 

Xo,

Ellen

best friend butterflies

for as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be friends with a guy before dating him. I never really wanted to fall for a guy I didn't know well first, so friends first seemed like the best hope.

what I wasn't prepared for was how weird it would feel when one of my best friends started giving me butterflies. I'm in this weird place between "you're my bro" and "you're becoming so much more", I almost don't know how to reconcile it. I don't really know what he's thinking at this point, and I just keep checking my own heart like "hey, you cool with this?" cos its weird. he's always been something of a possibility, but also sort of out of my league. and now I'm faced with the possibility that we might actually be falling for each other. how. on. earth.

there have been times when seeing his name popping up on my phone has made me grin, but this time just feels different. this time I don't know what to think, how to pray, how to act, how to respond and certainly don't know how or if I should talk about it.

even if they all fade back into a simple, lovely friendship, thank you for now for the butterflies. I feel like you've taught me that I can love and be loved by anyone I allow myself to, and that's a beautiful gift.

Chronically Friendzoned

This always seems to happen. As soon as I feel confident enough to share with the public that I am "talking" to someone, it dissolves. It dissolves so quickly, I get a little bit of emotional whiplash, and I confess, that's where I am.

I'm not so angry anymore, I'm much calmer. But if you'd ask me on Wednesday how I was feeling, I might not have used such gentle terminology.

I have tried so very hard to trust the Father, but when you face the exact same recipe you did not a year ago, you start to wonder if all you put out there are "friend zone me" vibes, and if you're anything like me, you question how good He can be. I'm over the same storyline, God. I want to trust you, I really do, but if we could not hit the repeat button, that would be awesome. My pride, self-esteem, self image, and general attitude had sort of plummeted this week.

As you saw in my last post, all I could do was sing this guys praises. I still think he's got a lot going for him. But I think I have unluckily missed out on all those gifts of his, and he has set his interests elsewhere.

After my last love life fiasco, I didn't think I was going to meet anyone else who measured up, but in his own way, this guy did and then some. And after the time we spent together, and the time I spent in prayer, and the time I spent talking with other people, gaining their insight, perspective, opinion, and wisdom, the more I felt like "wow, this guy could be it." I could see how the details of our lives intertwined to create this beautiful story, starting with the very fact that I wasn't looking for him, and then one day he was just there, apart of my world and changing my life. I was always smiling around him, he really made me happy. But something about me, didn't meet some need in him, and our hearts went different ways.

I would be straight up lying if I didn't say that there is a small sliver of my heart that's hoping he's confronted with the reality that I just might have been right for him, and he comes rushing back into the scene, telling me how wrong he was, and professing his undying love. But this is real life, not a 1860's, midwest, 12-to-1 ratio romance. I'm fairly confident that it's over, he's not coming back, and his friend zone is where I'll stay.

I'm reading this book by this girl, who talks about seeing God as big (she compares Him to an ocean) but not as limitless (there's a shore on the other side of the ocean). She talks about trusting God with the idea that she knew He had it, and it was going to be fine, but she wasn't sure it was going to be good. I identify on a deep level with that.

I want to trust Him past that level, where I can solidly trust that His good is good, no matter how "not" good it feels.

I haven't had my best week y'all, but I've had a very real week. Pray for me. I'll be better than I am right now, and I'm better than I was, but I still want to heal some more. Because this morning sort of sucked.

"It will feel better than this. Maybe not yet, but you just keep living, until you are alive again."

Live through the pain of any circumstance, life didn't end because one situation did. There's life on the other side of that bridge.

the love life of ellen

I vaguely mentioned in my last post that I was "interested in someone". and I am, but as per usual for me, it's not without it's complications. since it's been a while, I'm a little rusty, and to be honest, it's so far gone pretty different than it ever has before.

we met, and I would venture to say, that it was fairly soon after there was attraction. but, smooth sailing? not. at. all.

it's been months of hit or miss flirtation and conversation. it's been long weeks of mulling over his bold comments, and wondering why I don't hear from him.

it's watching him speed off, and wondering what I could be doing differently.

it's saying a prayer for him every time I see a car that looks like his.

it's been months of falling slowly, steadily, happily for this guy, who has my brain in a tangled mess, and my heart right along with it.

I wish I could give you a nice long numbered list of all the reasons I find this guy amazing, attractive, and someone I want to get to know. but anonymity is still a high priority for me.

but please believe me, that I have an extensive list for all the reasons he's worthy of anyone's time and attention. I wish I could sit down over a cup of coffee, and talk to all you about all that he is. and about all the little ways I like him, and why he's likable.

but I can't. so just know for now, I need your prayers. he's amazing, but he isn't mine in the least. I just get to watch him at a distance for now. and that waiting place can be painful and lonely.

forever yours,

ellen

time: the great healer

remember in my last post, I publicly mourned the very awkward loss of my best friend?

well. I'm finally getting back around to writing on this blog, and when I saw that that was my last post, decided it should be an update.

if you're new here and you don't know what's going on, the long and short of it is, I fell in love with my best friend, and he fell in love with someone else. and where did that leave me? broken hearted and alone.

but things are so vey different now. it's been several months since I wrote that post, and I was incredibly frustrated feeling like our lives would never even out and carry on as normal. and in some ways, I was right. they didn't carry on as normal, instead, we found a new normal.

and I am happy to report that he and I are even better friends than we were before things really fell apart.

it's funny what a tragedy can do for people, and in so many ways, our initial friendship dissolving was a tragedy. one we came back from. and it did take a while. it wasn't natural, it wasn't easy, and it was definitely very messy. but here we are on the brink of two years of friendship, and it feels like a lifetime. he's the brother I never had, and I am immeasurably thankful for him.

as for me, I'm doing good. still single, but looking. interested in someone, but waiting. it's been a beautiful season, actually. I've learned so much about myself.

I am also happy to report that I have:

1) found a great church
2) gotten a new job
3) am looking into moving out
4) and am potentially going to Europe this summer!

so many things to be thankful for right now.

more to come, my heart has been so full.

XO,
ellen

Bexed friends

I always, always, always judged (harshly) the girl who wanted to "stay friends with her ex"

That is, until I was that girl.

And my best friend was my "ex"

And the situation was complicated further because, he wasn't actually even my ex.

We. Never. Dated.

But I digress...

For the sake of this blog, I am going to refer to him as, and treat him as though he were my ex. Because see the situation as it were, everyone, friends and family on both our sides were expecting it, looking for it, happy about it, and well really everyone, myself included, thought we were at the very least going to date. And where we clearly did not ever actually date, it somehow managed to be the most emotional, and difficult break up in my life. Moving on...

So one night when he, my best friend, looks me in the eye and tells me he's seeing someone else, and it's not me...my precious, fragile, pure world came crashing in. No, worse than that. It was annihilated. His words were atomic bombs laces with personalized poison. It was like someone just dropped the weight of the whole of the earth right onto my stomach. I literally almost threw up in public for the second time in my life. It's definitely the second worst night of my life. Hoping to never repeat either...

See during the time I was falling in love with him, we were falling into something deeper together: friendship. Where I was completely alone in the love, I was building a bond for life in the friendzone. He and I didn't do everything together, but we become stupid close. We talked all the time. We had inside jokes enough to fill a book. He was my personal chauffer, mechanic, confidant, tech support, he became my safe spot. I felt more comfortable around him than I have around any other guy in a very long time. Besides being in love with him, I grew to just simply, love him. (a post on this difference later)

 So in that devastating moment he became my "ex", more than just my hoped for relationship status changed. Every piece of our dynamic changed.

Maybe my opinion on girls staying friends with their exes would remain unchanged if he and I had actually dated, but you better believe I tried like heck to salvage the last bits of our now very broken and distorted friendship. That night left me feeling more helpless and vulnerable than I ever want to feel again. I wasn't just losing my potential boyfriend, if I didn't work to put it behind us, I was going to lose my best friend too.

And you wanna know something?

I lost him anyways.

I still see him at least once a week.

We still talk from time to time.

We still hang out a little.

But everything has changed.

No I don't still wish we had or were dating, I've moved on in that regard.

But there's an underlined strain between us that hasn't gone away. Still a subtle awkwardness that hasn't waned. Its ebbed and flowed. Gotten better than come back with a vengeance.

Trying to mend a broken relationship is like...trying to glue back a broken mirror. You can still see your reflection, but almost all you pay attention to are the cracks. It's been ugly a time or two, me feeling ugly and loveless and lonely. Him withholding and being withdrawn. Me snapping, him snapping. Strain on him, strain on me, strain on our friend group.

We get to a good place, and something resurfaces. Right now, although he's the one seeing someone, I feel he's upset with me because I am becoming interested in someone else. I am starting to feel angry at him for that. He can't have someone else and get mad at me for moving on. That might not be what's happening, but that's how it feels. And we are no longer in a place where I can talk to him about it.

And before I would have. I would have shot him a text and said point blank what was on my mind. Because he's my best friend. And best friends talk.

But he's not my best friend any more, and I miss him.

I miss him.

I miss my best friend.

Honesty from Ellen, Part 2: in the Real World

Well. It happened. Reality kicked me hard to the gut. I'm still reeling from the impact, still feeling like I'm going to vomit.

I knew it wouldn't happen, I knew deep in my gut, but for whatever reason, I hoped even still that it would. I knew he wasn't going to fall for me as fiercely as I had fallen for him, but I allowed the "little things" to build up and used them to convince myself that he was as into this thing as I was.

But he wasn't.

So when he told me he had found someone else, I felt like he had jump kicked me to the stomach. I sat there, feeling like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, and shatter into pieces on my lap. In one quick comment from him, all the butterflies died. I could hear the blood rushing to my ears, screaming at me, "I told you so".

Over the last few weeks, feelings of inadequacy have plagued me.

"If I had been cooler"

"If I had been thinner"

"If I had been smarter...

...richer...

...prettier...

...funnier...

...more interesting...

...younger...

...less busy...

...more busy...

...been to university...

...had a better job..."


The list and the lies have droned on and on. They have left no thing untouched, and I feel completely deflated. What does she have going for her that I simply do not? Why could he never look at me and "wonder if". All it took for me was one "wonder if" and the snowball fall for him began.

So since mid-June, I've been trying to recover this blow I was not nearly as prepared for as I would like to have thought I was. And up until this week, I actually thought I was doing ok.

But here's the thing: he doesn't get it. He doesn't get a dang thing. He doesn't understand that everything I do towards him, I do out of love for him. Not romantic love, just deep, genuine, "I want the best for you" love.

If so many people thought he and I were together when we were not, then our behavior towards each other must change. In my estimation, this is very logical. However, he feels that since he started dating this girl, I have been just short of hostile towards him. I was sent multiple texts yesterday, informing me I have been "snappy" and "very rude" to him, and coming from him, this was devastating. He is one of the most gentle and kind people I know. This wasn't said lightly or without thought. I have tried to hold this whole thing together: bit my tongue, apologized for things I didn't feel I had done, I am still breaking my neck to protect him and make this friendship work, and yet he is upset with me for being "rude". I don't want to keep protecting him then. Let him ruin his own reputation and relationship- I tried. I cannot hold him up, and keep living too. I am breaking under the weight of it all.

I had expectations for this summer, so many expectations. And not only have none of them come to fruition, but things I hoped against have. What a disappointing and harsh reality.

All I have dreamed and prayed for is a Godly marriage and big family. I don't even have specific details for that dream and prayer, I just know that's what I long for. I don't care what color he is, where he's from, how we meet, or where we marry. I don't care if we have babies born of love between us, or if they grow first in our hearts, if they look like us or not, or all of the above- I just know I want several babies to love on and raise. I want to establish myself as his wife and baby mama. I want to chase the Will of the Father, and I truly believe this is it, so why can't I grasp it? Why is it continually brought down?

I don't mean to be such a downer, but my heart is so heavy just now.

Xo,
Ellen