dear Willow

Dear Willow,

My heart aches when I say your name. I don't even know how to start, because just seeing it causes a pang of guilt and pain. You were not a plan, but you were a choice, and given that choice again, I would choose to keep you as safe as possible.

Your whole short life was not without great purpose, and God used you to bring me back to Himself when I had wandered very far away. I was in such a dark place, but losing you was almost like someone finally turned the light on.

Your father and I were very selfish, and I am so sorry, Willow. You were made in lust, not love; a selfish, impulsive moment led to you. But when I knew you were here, I loved you with my whole heart. And when he left me, I clung to the little life I had inside me, the hope I had to go on. But within a few days, you too were taken away from me- and I have never felt more hallow and empty than I did that week.

Losing you was like- being ripped open- but slowly. I could feel every fiber of my heart being pulled apart. I didn't want his child, but I wanted mine. And you were mine. And just as I came to terms with being pregnant, you were gone.

I wouldn't go back, but I wonder what would life be like had you not been taken so soon. I wonder what kind of mom I would be on my own, or if I would want him a part of any of it. I don't think so. I think I would have wanted a better daddy for you because your father was not a good man. I'm sorry Willow, that I made such selfish and horrible choices that caused all of this.

I chose your name on an impulse. I was driving, and sobbing, losing you, and alone. I could feel my soul growing older with every tear that fell, and the name Willow settled onto my heart.

It was then that your auntie Kate came in with conversation asking about you and how I was feeling- Kate's middle name is Ruth. And it seemed there was no more appropriate person to name you after than the only woman on earth who knew what was going on.

Willow Ruth.

Willow means graceful, and Ruth means faithful friend.

It was this event in my life that began a turning point for me. A turning back to God. And you, my beautiful Willow, are that Graceful event. How I wish things had all turned out differently and different choices had been made- but how thankful I am that I am home. I'm home in the arms of the same Christ who cradles you until I can. I am home. I am home, and it's because God chose to use you to do it.

I will always be a little sad when I think of you, but I will always be more thankful. You, my first child, will always hold a special place in my heart. I will think of you when the man I wish was your daddy and I get pregnant with our first baby. I will think of you when I feel them kick. When I deliver. When I hear them cry. I will wonder what your first word would have been, or how old your first step would be taken at. I will think of you when I read Goodnight Moon for the first time. I will think of you when I sing the I love you forever lullaby. I will look down at my next child and wonder what kind of big sister you would have been.

I will wonder forever, but I will always smile, because you have been used in the greatest measure of my life. I am going to commemorate you soon, my baby girl, with a tattoo on my upper left ribcage, close to my heart. I don't ever want to forget you and the beautiful life you had.

Mommy loves you Willow!