emotional booty call

my coworkers are loyal to a core and honest as heck. they are over this boy, this situation, and my constant heartbroken wining. my darling work twin told me i was just being his booty call, and when i confidently assured her we've never even kissed, she goes "fine, you're his emotional booty call." 

jerk. 

she's right though. if he seems evenly slightly ready to talk or hang, i will clear my whole day to devote to him. it's pathetic. when he's ready, i show the heck up. 

i'm working to just let him go, because he's clearly not interested or not interested enough in making a commitment at this time. i want to be ok with that, but i wholly feel like he's going to be the one that got away. and there's not a dang thing i can do about it. i've tried. i've tried to not let him get away, but i can't make him stay. its breaking my heart to let go of him, knowing i might not get him back, but i'm holding on to someone who isn't mine. 

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we reached a new point in our relationship this week: i required that he respect me. he's not mean to me, but he blame casts on me and doesn't respect my time, even on just a friendship level. it's the first time i have told him that i'm not being psycho to ask for the simple thing that i was. something's shifted, and i don't know that i like it. 

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i'm supposed to see him this weekend. and of course i want to, but i also want my heart to stop hurting. and maybe cutting him out of my life for a while is the best way to do that? 

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to be continued. 

the cocoon exists

the whole time unnamed "best friend" and I have been talking, I've sort of just talked about the whole ordeal in terms of butterflies because we never actually were in a relationship. I made the bold and somewhat heartbreaking claim that the butterflies died. But the truth is, I'm 100% not over this boy. Not even a little bit. Everyone in my life is telling me to just dump him, get on with my life, get over him and get over the situation. "Find someone else, move on." But I can't seem to just walk away. I don't want to. I know what he can be, why can't I wait until he decides to live his life to the fullest? I know what they're saying, and I understand, but I'm not ready just yet to give up on him. I want him to be the best version of himself. I want to push him to that, and be his top cheerleader when he does. I want to be able to say I was with him when he wasn't his greatest, and get to enjoy him when he is. I don't want to just walk away because he's not what he can be. I won't. I can't.

And then he does it; he shows up. He's there for me. He texts me, just to see how I'm doing. He takes an interest and invests in me. He always disappears again, but just when I'm ready to give up, he shows back up. And when he does its right when I need it, right when I think he doesn't care. And it's the sweetest, most pointed and caring he's been towards me.

It's been in these moments I have realized the butterflies may be dead, but I think there's a cocoon, tucked away in the corner, waiting for a bright, bold butterfly to burst forth. maybe it's his butterfly, maybe it isn't. but either way, the hope isn't gone. and I'd be lying if I didn't add, I especially hope this boy comes around. if he doesn't, that's ok, but my heart will have a lot of healing and moving on to do if its not him. cos for me, its him. 

The Butterflies Died

They died because I've had to suffocate them. You will learn that I misread situations professionally. It is embarrassing and never any less. I didn't necessarily misread this one, but I hoped too strongly for how it would continue to read, and I was wrong. For the first time maybe ever, I could actually see and wanted, a future with someone. I didn't have a lot of reasons to think it wouldn't happen, except for my horrible track record, which proved consistent: I can't make 'em stay. I don't know what it is about me, but I get to a certain point with a guy and its like I hit the "repulsive button" and off they go. It's not even always at the same point, sometimes its a lot sooner or later than others. I have no idea what I do to cause them to so abruptly lose interest in me. But for one reason or another, they always just, stop. Stop texting, stop calling, stop dropping by, stop chasing, romancing and pursuing me.
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All I want is to love and be loved. But I don't know how to do that. I have so much love to give, it's built up so fiercely. I'll learn your dreams and support them, and help you build them to make them a reality. I'll discover your demons and walk right into your darkness; I'll touch the most broken pieces of you, and love you more for them. I'll stand loyally by your side when everyone else says you're wrong, I will see the good in you when no one else can or wants to. I will defend you like you've never been defended before. I will love you to my own detriment, and keep loving you when I think I am empty. I will empty myself of love and still have love rushing in to give. I don't know how not to love fiercely. And all I want is someone to love.
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Do you ever feel like "I'm about to make a huge mistake"...and know you're going to make it anyways? I'm there. He's not right, the time isn't right, my family wouldn't approve. My friends wouldn't understand. It would be chaotic, passionate, emotional, one to go down in history...it wouldn't be right. It would be all kinds of wrong. I think we would both encounter demons neither of us expects. And yet for two days now I have hardly stopped thinking about him. I hardly know him, I don't even like him. But I want this wild oat. This reckless fling. This thoughtless autumn lover. I want this chance to love with abandon and be empty and broken when it's over, because at least then I'll feel like I've loved. Because I'll know at the end of it someone felt all the weight of the love that's been building in me for so long.
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The truth is, it's not this fling I truly want. It's the boy with the butterflies. The one with the beard, and the eyes and the hands and the fashion sense and the geeky side and the terrible shoes and the taste for black coffee and the horrible questions. The truth is I'm not over him at all, I still want him. And I can't have him. 

For more than a month now, my best friend has made me question everything. And I'm gonna be honest, I'm starting to lose it a little. We didn't dance the night away, but we did attend a formal event together. I felt like a princess before he showed up, but as soon as he did, I walked around like a freaking queen. I felt like absolute royalty. He was nothing short of charming perfection. But of course, he always is. 

Here's the reality: I am falling in love with my best friend. 

And he's not settled on me. He's not opposed to me, I know that much. But my heart is becoming more and more settled on him and everything he is, and he seems to be content exploring other options. If I had a dollar for everytime the thought "it's just not fair" entered my head, I think I could pay cash for the house he's looking at. 

 I love the area he's looking. I love his hopes and dreams, and I can see myself fitting so perfectly into them if only he'd let me. I love how sexy yet absolutely cheese sauce he is. And I love that he doesn't really seem to care what others think of him...until he's not sure how he looked doing something, then he's adorably self-conscious. I suppose I love and hate that he always asks me what I think of him and what he's doing. As if he's seeking my approval, but yet he doesn't seem to regard it as much. He doesn't, however, seem to ask other girls for theirs, so I suppose there's that to be thankful for. 

Oh, how my heart aches to just have answers. I'm not confused, I know exactly what I want. I know more and more every day, every prayer, every conversation that he is who I want to spend my time at the very least "getting to know" but if we're honest, dating...with. I want to date my best friend and I'm ready to risk it all to let him know that in no uncertain terms. He knows I'm "open" to the idea, but bro needs to know it's basically all I think and pray about. This potential future seems so logical. Seems so right. I have to trust the Father, and I'm trying. But man, if y'all knew this guy...you'd understand why the idea of letting him go is an excruciating one. 

An update on the butterflies

Almost a month ago, I wrote and a vulnerable and girlish piece about my best friend, and the butterflies he started giving me. real life update? they haven't gone away. they feel less school girlie now, and a little more like, "yeah this is the direction I want for my life at least at this point" they're very specific butterflies. we've now gone out (as I said in a text to my sister, "gone out", gone out? not sure.) twice now. I don't hate spending time with him. even if we're just growing our friendship, I'm ok with that. I like getting to know him without having to compete. He and I are walking a fine line if we are headed towards something more than friends. It would rock our friend group a bit. I wonder if that's why it's going slower than maybe it normally would. 

and then the demons show up. 

you know, those little hellions that get into your thoughts and make you question everything. the ones that don't even try to find tact, they just straight up tell you "he's too good for you."

"have you seen his body? way out of your curvy girl league."

"have you seen his ex? you're not his type."

"have you heard what he talks about? you're not cultured enough."

"have you listened to his week? you don't work hard enough."

"have you seen your own dating success rate? you're not datable enough."

"have you listened to your own stories? you're not interesting enough."

"have you looked in a mirror? you're just not pretty enough."

no matter what they feed me, I am never enough. and i struggle to combat it because i feel that. I will not be enough for this guy because he is, wow. he's amazing. his motivation, his heart, his work ethic, his personality, his dreams...to be honest, his face, hair, and beard...this guy has so much going for him. what do I have to offer him, but a 5'2" chubby body, a "spicy with a side of awkward" personality, and the guarantee that I'll make him good food? not much. I listen intently when he talks about his job- he works hard and I want to understand what he does. but I 100% cannot explain it to you. (I can, however, tell you his job title, so hopefully, that's a plus) he is up on all the pop culture, I, am not...not at all. he loves to quiz me on songs and drop references and I wish I got them, but I don't. I don't want to be a disappointment to him right out of the gate. I want to be what he wants. I don't want him to be disappointed that I'm who he gets if I'm who he gets. but I feel that ache in my soul, to want to please him, and feeling like I just don't quite get there. If we do decide to walk this road, I want him to be proud of me. I want to know he will proudly introduce me to his family, his people. we'll see what happens, but its a lot right now, and to whoever reads this, just pray for me. ya girl needs it. 

Xo,

Ellen

best friend butterflies

for as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be friends with a guy before dating him. I never really wanted to fall for a guy I didn't know well first, so friends first seemed like the best hope.

what I wasn't prepared for was how weird it would feel when one of my best friends started giving me butterflies. I'm in this weird place between "you're my bro" and "you're becoming so much more", I almost don't know how to reconcile it. I don't really know what he's thinking at this point, and I just keep checking my own heart like "hey, you cool with this?" cos its weird. he's always been something of a possibility, but also sort of out of my league. and now I'm faced with the possibility that we might actually be falling for each other. how. on. earth.

there have been times when seeing his name popping up on my phone has made me grin, but this time just feels different. this time I don't know what to think, how to pray, how to act, how to respond and certainly don't know how or if I should talk about it.

even if they all fade back into a simple, lovely friendship, thank you for now for the butterflies. I feel like you've taught me that I can love and be loved by anyone I allow myself to, and that's a beautiful gift.

Chronically Friendzoned

This always seems to happen. As soon as I feel confident enough to share with the public that I am "talking" to someone, it dissolves. It dissolves so quickly, I get a little bit of emotional whiplash, and I confess, that's where I am.

I'm not so angry anymore, I'm much calmer. But if you'd ask me on Wednesday how I was feeling, I might not have used such gentle terminology.

I have tried so very hard to trust the Father, but when you face the exact same recipe you did not a year ago, you start to wonder if all you put out there are "friend zone me" vibes, and if you're anything like me, you question how good He can be. I'm over the same storyline, God. I want to trust you, I really do, but if we could not hit the repeat button, that would be awesome. My pride, self-esteem, self image, and general attitude had sort of plummeted this week.

As you saw in my last post, all I could do was sing this guys praises. I still think he's got a lot going for him. But I think I have unluckily missed out on all those gifts of his, and he has set his interests elsewhere.

After my last love life fiasco, I didn't think I was going to meet anyone else who measured up, but in his own way, this guy did and then some. And after the time we spent together, and the time I spent in prayer, and the time I spent talking with other people, gaining their insight, perspective, opinion, and wisdom, the more I felt like "wow, this guy could be it." I could see how the details of our lives intertwined to create this beautiful story, starting with the very fact that I wasn't looking for him, and then one day he was just there, apart of my world and changing my life. I was always smiling around him, he really made me happy. But something about me, didn't meet some need in him, and our hearts went different ways.

I would be straight up lying if I didn't say that there is a small sliver of my heart that's hoping he's confronted with the reality that I just might have been right for him, and he comes rushing back into the scene, telling me how wrong he was, and professing his undying love. But this is real life, not a 1860's, midwest, 12-to-1 ratio romance. I'm fairly confident that it's over, he's not coming back, and his friend zone is where I'll stay.

I'm reading this book by this girl, who talks about seeing God as big (she compares Him to an ocean) but not as limitless (there's a shore on the other side of the ocean). She talks about trusting God with the idea that she knew He had it, and it was going to be fine, but she wasn't sure it was going to be good. I identify on a deep level with that.

I want to trust Him past that level, where I can solidly trust that His good is good, no matter how "not" good it feels.

I haven't had my best week y'all, but I've had a very real week. Pray for me. I'll be better than I am right now, and I'm better than I was, but I still want to heal some more. Because this morning sort of sucked.

"It will feel better than this. Maybe not yet, but you just keep living, until you are alive again."

Live through the pain of any circumstance, life didn't end because one situation did. There's life on the other side of that bridge.

the love life of ellen

I vaguely mentioned in my last post that I was "interested in someone". and I am, but as per usual for me, it's not without it's complications. since it's been a while, I'm a little rusty, and to be honest, it's so far gone pretty different than it ever has before.

we met, and I would venture to say, that it was fairly soon after there was attraction. but, smooth sailing? not. at. all.

it's been months of hit or miss flirtation and conversation. it's been long weeks of mulling over his bold comments, and wondering why I don't hear from him.

it's watching him speed off, and wondering what I could be doing differently.

it's saying a prayer for him every time I see a car that looks like his.

it's been months of falling slowly, steadily, happily for this guy, who has my brain in a tangled mess, and my heart right along with it.

I wish I could give you a nice long numbered list of all the reasons I find this guy amazing, attractive, and someone I want to get to know. but anonymity is still a high priority for me.

but please believe me, that I have an extensive list for all the reasons he's worthy of anyone's time and attention. I wish I could sit down over a cup of coffee, and talk to all you about all that he is. and about all the little ways I like him, and why he's likable.

but I can't. so just know for now, I need your prayers. he's amazing, but he isn't mine in the least. I just get to watch him at a distance for now. and that waiting place can be painful and lonely.

forever yours,

ellen

time: the great healer

remember in my last post, I publicly mourned the very awkward loss of my best friend?

well. I'm finally getting back around to writing on this blog, and when I saw that that was my last post, decided it should be an update.

if you're new here and you don't know what's going on, the long and short of it is, I fell in love with my best friend, and he fell in love with someone else. and where did that leave me? broken hearted and alone.

but things are so vey different now. it's been several months since I wrote that post, and I was incredibly frustrated feeling like our lives would never even out and carry on as normal. and in some ways, I was right. they didn't carry on as normal, instead, we found a new normal.

and I am happy to report that he and I are even better friends than we were before things really fell apart.

it's funny what a tragedy can do for people, and in so many ways, our initial friendship dissolving was a tragedy. one we came back from. and it did take a while. it wasn't natural, it wasn't easy, and it was definitely very messy. but here we are on the brink of two years of friendship, and it feels like a lifetime. he's the brother I never had, and I am immeasurably thankful for him.

as for me, I'm doing good. still single, but looking. interested in someone, but waiting. it's been a beautiful season, actually. I've learned so much about myself.

I am also happy to report that I have:

1) found a great church
2) gotten a new job
3) am looking into moving out
4) and am potentially going to Europe this summer!

so many things to be thankful for right now.

more to come, my heart has been so full.

XO,
ellen