Yesterday was a bad day. Very little, if anything, went the way I needed or planned for it to.
A few days ago, I talked about how the guy that I have been talking to has seemed to walk away from the conversations. Which is fine, in addition to the fact that I walked into this knowing it might not go anywhere, I have since seen some things come from him that are qualities I wouldn't want in a partner or future spouse. So it's better that it ended before it got started, but just the same, those feelings of inadequacy sneak up and whisper little, believable lies into your ears until a little piece of you dies under them.
"What did I do wrong?"
"What's wrong with me?"
"Did I push too hard, ask the wrong questions or not show enough interest?"
I've both resolved and keep on waiting. Part of me keeps looking for that little red notification, letting me know I'm not the last thing on his mind. And the other part of me is just praying that at this point, he doesn't even respond. I am finally resolved enough, that I don't want him to- but not enough that if he did, I don't think I would be able to stand my ground firmly.
With all of this swirling on in my mind, I was given some oh so helpful comments from people like "it's not the end of the world" and "guys are just jerks" and "you're just sad because you didn't get a boyfriend out of it."
Working the kind of hours I am, I just haven't had time to process. And I am a process or fall apart kind of person. So you can easily deduct that, I fell apart.
I decided to take part of the day off, and get some rest. But instead of just going home and having a cup of hot tea and a good rest like a normal person, I had a full blown, hyperventilating, screaming and crying, couldn't breathe panic attack (while driving) on the way home. I would try to slow my breathing and I would almost get control, and then I would lose it all over again. It as almost like I couldn't even control what my body was doing. It was just happening, and all I could do was let it.
I have found that for me, panic attacks don't come in association with something sexual or threatening (but I haven't been in a lot of very threatening situations, so I want to be careful when saying that) In general however, I have found that my panic attacks come when it feels like a lot is out of my control. Yesterday? Everything felt out of my control.
And it was the worst. panic attack. ever. I have never had one that bad, and would love to never have one that bad again.
In the last five or so years, the more I have talked with people about abuse, and about the repercussions of it, the more I have realized that:
a) I am not alone in these feelings
b) the "side effects" are not limited to sexual, or threatening situations- and sometimes unrelated issues are caused from the abuse.
That last one is the one that's the big "YES" thing for me, because I thought for so long, that all of these seemingly unrelated things were just making me a complicated, messy person. And in some ways, yes, that's true. But that's not the whole truth. The whole truth is I can identify the point in my life that these things are bourn out from. I have identifiable reasons for why I am the way I am. And because of that, I have very clear things I can lay down at the feet of the Father, and for that, I am so thankful.
My heart aches for those who haven't had the healing people around them that they need to find the solace after hell. I know I haven't always, and I have had to seek it out, but there are times, that the Father just places them in my path, even when I am not looking, and something is said that brings me one step closer to a healing.
Abuse has left me feeling like an incomplete person. But Jesus is faithful friends, and He wants to be that completion for us. He doesn't want His people to stay broken- that's why He is the great Physician- He believes in healing and wholeness! There is hope in him, dear, broken friends. So maybe you didn't suffer sexual abuse, maybe it was verbal, or emotional, or physical. Maybe you haven't suffered abuse at all- brokenness comes in so many forms.
I'm so thankful Jesus loved me enough to die for me, because there are times, I don't think I am worthy. And friends, we aren't. But He is gracious. And for this, we must be thankful, and praise Him!
~Ellen
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