I'm not ok

i'm not ok

this isn't a happy post

but i'm afraid if i don't bleed here i might bleed somewhere else.

there's just nothing.

there's a total lack of feeling other than broken.

i spiraled

i fell.

i shattered.

i have chased every passion to fill the hole.

but it just keeps getting bigger, each distraction leaving behind more disappointment than the one before.

i'm not even asking to feel happy, just alive.

i'm trying to ground myself as i type- i'm having one of the worst panic/anxiety attacks i have ever experienced.

the yelling and the crying and the screaming and the heaving and the hyperventilating.

i want to scream screw you God because above all the pain i feel, the lack of Him is most pointed.

my heart is absolutely gutted right now...so where is he? isn't he supposed to be near the broken hearted?

when did his promises stop applying to me too?

when did he give up on me, and can i please have a do over?

everytime i think i've found something to help me survive, it gets ripped away.

for the first time in my life, i felt my heart change towards someone, and she died, and a part of me along with her.

so i crashed into anything that made me feel the same spark that she ignited in me.

but i found selfish lovers and heartbreak after heartbreak.

i left a job i left for a job with more money

i met a boy who took the most precious thing i had to offer. i gave it, but he had no seconds thoughts taking it.

he left me.

my grandfather died.

the man with disabilities i dated didn't even want me.

and finally i thought i'd found it: my person.

someone i could be happy with and build a life with.

i wake up every moring to a good morning text.

every picture i send is returned with a compliment

every trashy remark i get from other men is reported and contradicted with a reminder of my worth.

but then i snapped. the weight of the anxiety i had started taking meds for put the pressure on me.

the fingers flew the texts went out and the line remained quiet.

i have done what i have always feared: i have suffocated a person i love with the weight of love i want to give.

i got one text from him in the last 24 hours- just one.

"im here"

that's all he's said.

my heart is breaking thinking about facing the possible reality of being left again.

and then the attack hit.

so here i am wailing from the deepest part of my heart

typing to grasp reality

watching another precious thing slip through my hands.

and i'm drowning.

when does the drowning end?

when do i resurface and deeply take in the fresh air?

when does the pressure come off my chest, and the light fill my soul again?

when does the constant aching of my soul find satisfaction once again?

when does Jesus come back and take me in his arms, wiping my matted hair from my dirty face and kissing me tenderly on my brow?

when do i feel like a child wrapped in safety instead of a child left alone?

when does it end?

when is it over?

wake me up when september ends.