Chronically Friendzoned

This always seems to happen. As soon as I feel confident enough to share with the public that I am "talking" to someone, it dissolves. It dissolves so quickly, I get a little bit of emotional whiplash, and I confess, that's where I am.

I'm not so angry anymore, I'm much calmer. But if you'd ask me on Wednesday how I was feeling, I might not have used such gentle terminology.

I have tried so very hard to trust the Father, but when you face the exact same recipe you did not a year ago, you start to wonder if all you put out there are "friend zone me" vibes, and if you're anything like me, you question how good He can be. I'm over the same storyline, God. I want to trust you, I really do, but if we could not hit the repeat button, that would be awesome. My pride, self-esteem, self image, and general attitude had sort of plummeted this week.

As you saw in my last post, all I could do was sing this guys praises. I still think he's got a lot going for him. But I think I have unluckily missed out on all those gifts of his, and he has set his interests elsewhere.

After my last love life fiasco, I didn't think I was going to meet anyone else who measured up, but in his own way, this guy did and then some. And after the time we spent together, and the time I spent in prayer, and the time I spent talking with other people, gaining their insight, perspective, opinion, and wisdom, the more I felt like "wow, this guy could be it." I could see how the details of our lives intertwined to create this beautiful story, starting with the very fact that I wasn't looking for him, and then one day he was just there, apart of my world and changing my life. I was always smiling around him, he really made me happy. But something about me, didn't meet some need in him, and our hearts went different ways.

I would be straight up lying if I didn't say that there is a small sliver of my heart that's hoping he's confronted with the reality that I just might have been right for him, and he comes rushing back into the scene, telling me how wrong he was, and professing his undying love. But this is real life, not a 1860's, midwest, 12-to-1 ratio romance. I'm fairly confident that it's over, he's not coming back, and his friend zone is where I'll stay.

I'm reading this book by this girl, who talks about seeing God as big (she compares Him to an ocean) but not as limitless (there's a shore on the other side of the ocean). She talks about trusting God with the idea that she knew He had it, and it was going to be fine, but she wasn't sure it was going to be good. I identify on a deep level with that.

I want to trust Him past that level, where I can solidly trust that His good is good, no matter how "not" good it feels.

I haven't had my best week y'all, but I've had a very real week. Pray for me. I'll be better than I am right now, and I'm better than I was, but I still want to heal some more. Because this morning sort of sucked.

"It will feel better than this. Maybe not yet, but you just keep living, until you are alive again."

Live through the pain of any circumstance, life didn't end because one situation did. There's life on the other side of that bridge.

the love life of ellen

I vaguely mentioned in my last post that I was "interested in someone". and I am, but as per usual for me, it's not without it's complications. since it's been a while, I'm a little rusty, and to be honest, it's so far gone pretty different than it ever has before.

we met, and I would venture to say, that it was fairly soon after there was attraction. but, smooth sailing? not. at. all.

it's been months of hit or miss flirtation and conversation. it's been long weeks of mulling over his bold comments, and wondering why I don't hear from him.

it's watching him speed off, and wondering what I could be doing differently.

it's saying a prayer for him every time I see a car that looks like his.

it's been months of falling slowly, steadily, happily for this guy, who has my brain in a tangled mess, and my heart right along with it.

I wish I could give you a nice long numbered list of all the reasons I find this guy amazing, attractive, and someone I want to get to know. but anonymity is still a high priority for me.

but please believe me, that I have an extensive list for all the reasons he's worthy of anyone's time and attention. I wish I could sit down over a cup of coffee, and talk to all you about all that he is. and about all the little ways I like him, and why he's likable.

but I can't. so just know for now, I need your prayers. he's amazing, but he isn't mine in the least. I just get to watch him at a distance for now. and that waiting place can be painful and lonely.

forever yours,

ellen

time: the great healer

remember in my last post, I publicly mourned the very awkward loss of my best friend?

well. I'm finally getting back around to writing on this blog, and when I saw that that was my last post, decided it should be an update.

if you're new here and you don't know what's going on, the long and short of it is, I fell in love with my best friend, and he fell in love with someone else. and where did that leave me? broken hearted and alone.

but things are so vey different now. it's been several months since I wrote that post, and I was incredibly frustrated feeling like our lives would never even out and carry on as normal. and in some ways, I was right. they didn't carry on as normal, instead, we found a new normal.

and I am happy to report that he and I are even better friends than we were before things really fell apart.

it's funny what a tragedy can do for people, and in so many ways, our initial friendship dissolving was a tragedy. one we came back from. and it did take a while. it wasn't natural, it wasn't easy, and it was definitely very messy. but here we are on the brink of two years of friendship, and it feels like a lifetime. he's the brother I never had, and I am immeasurably thankful for him.

as for me, I'm doing good. still single, but looking. interested in someone, but waiting. it's been a beautiful season, actually. I've learned so much about myself.

I am also happy to report that I have:

1) found a great church
2) gotten a new job
3) am looking into moving out
4) and am potentially going to Europe this summer!

so many things to be thankful for right now.

more to come, my heart has been so full.

XO,
ellen