Bexed friends

I always, always, always judged (harshly) the girl who wanted to "stay friends with her ex"

That is, until I was that girl.

And my best friend was my "ex"

And the situation was complicated further because, he wasn't actually even my ex.

We. Never. Dated.

But I digress...

For the sake of this blog, I am going to refer to him as, and treat him as though he were my ex. Because see the situation as it were, everyone, friends and family on both our sides were expecting it, looking for it, happy about it, and well really everyone, myself included, thought we were at the very least going to date. And where we clearly did not ever actually date, it somehow managed to be the most emotional, and difficult break up in my life. Moving on...

So one night when he, my best friend, looks me in the eye and tells me he's seeing someone else, and it's not me...my precious, fragile, pure world came crashing in. No, worse than that. It was annihilated. His words were atomic bombs laces with personalized poison. It was like someone just dropped the weight of the whole of the earth right onto my stomach. I literally almost threw up in public for the second time in my life. It's definitely the second worst night of my life. Hoping to never repeat either...

See during the time I was falling in love with him, we were falling into something deeper together: friendship. Where I was completely alone in the love, I was building a bond for life in the friendzone. He and I didn't do everything together, but we become stupid close. We talked all the time. We had inside jokes enough to fill a book. He was my personal chauffer, mechanic, confidant, tech support, he became my safe spot. I felt more comfortable around him than I have around any other guy in a very long time. Besides being in love with him, I grew to just simply, love him. (a post on this difference later)

 So in that devastating moment he became my "ex", more than just my hoped for relationship status changed. Every piece of our dynamic changed.

Maybe my opinion on girls staying friends with their exes would remain unchanged if he and I had actually dated, but you better believe I tried like heck to salvage the last bits of our now very broken and distorted friendship. That night left me feeling more helpless and vulnerable than I ever want to feel again. I wasn't just losing my potential boyfriend, if I didn't work to put it behind us, I was going to lose my best friend too.

And you wanna know something?

I lost him anyways.

I still see him at least once a week.

We still talk from time to time.

We still hang out a little.

But everything has changed.

No I don't still wish we had or were dating, I've moved on in that regard.

But there's an underlined strain between us that hasn't gone away. Still a subtle awkwardness that hasn't waned. Its ebbed and flowed. Gotten better than come back with a vengeance.

Trying to mend a broken relationship is like...trying to glue back a broken mirror. You can still see your reflection, but almost all you pay attention to are the cracks. It's been ugly a time or two, me feeling ugly and loveless and lonely. Him withholding and being withdrawn. Me snapping, him snapping. Strain on him, strain on me, strain on our friend group.

We get to a good place, and something resurfaces. Right now, although he's the one seeing someone, I feel he's upset with me because I am becoming interested in someone else. I am starting to feel angry at him for that. He can't have someone else and get mad at me for moving on. That might not be what's happening, but that's how it feels. And we are no longer in a place where I can talk to him about it.

And before I would have. I would have shot him a text and said point blank what was on my mind. Because he's my best friend. And best friends talk.

But he's not my best friend any more, and I miss him.

I miss him.

I miss my best friend.

Honesty from Ellen, Part 2: in the Real World

Well. It happened. Reality kicked me hard to the gut. I'm still reeling from the impact, still feeling like I'm going to vomit.

I knew it wouldn't happen, I knew deep in my gut, but for whatever reason, I hoped even still that it would. I knew he wasn't going to fall for me as fiercely as I had fallen for him, but I allowed the "little things" to build up and used them to convince myself that he was as into this thing as I was.

But he wasn't.

So when he told me he had found someone else, I felt like he had jump kicked me to the stomach. I sat there, feeling like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, and shatter into pieces on my lap. In one quick comment from him, all the butterflies died. I could hear the blood rushing to my ears, screaming at me, "I told you so".

Over the last few weeks, feelings of inadequacy have plagued me.

"If I had been cooler"

"If I had been thinner"

"If I had been smarter...

...richer...

...prettier...

...funnier...

...more interesting...

...younger...

...less busy...

...more busy...

...been to university...

...had a better job..."


The list and the lies have droned on and on. They have left no thing untouched, and I feel completely deflated. What does she have going for her that I simply do not? Why could he never look at me and "wonder if". All it took for me was one "wonder if" and the snowball fall for him began.

So since mid-June, I've been trying to recover this blow I was not nearly as prepared for as I would like to have thought I was. And up until this week, I actually thought I was doing ok.

But here's the thing: he doesn't get it. He doesn't get a dang thing. He doesn't understand that everything I do towards him, I do out of love for him. Not romantic love, just deep, genuine, "I want the best for you" love.

If so many people thought he and I were together when we were not, then our behavior towards each other must change. In my estimation, this is very logical. However, he feels that since he started dating this girl, I have been just short of hostile towards him. I was sent multiple texts yesterday, informing me I have been "snappy" and "very rude" to him, and coming from him, this was devastating. He is one of the most gentle and kind people I know. This wasn't said lightly or without thought. I have tried to hold this whole thing together: bit my tongue, apologized for things I didn't feel I had done, I am still breaking my neck to protect him and make this friendship work, and yet he is upset with me for being "rude". I don't want to keep protecting him then. Let him ruin his own reputation and relationship- I tried. I cannot hold him up, and keep living too. I am breaking under the weight of it all.

I had expectations for this summer, so many expectations. And not only have none of them come to fruition, but things I hoped against have. What a disappointing and harsh reality.

All I have dreamed and prayed for is a Godly marriage and big family. I don't even have specific details for that dream and prayer, I just know that's what I long for. I don't care what color he is, where he's from, how we meet, or where we marry. I don't care if we have babies born of love between us, or if they grow first in our hearts, if they look like us or not, or all of the above- I just know I want several babies to love on and raise. I want to establish myself as his wife and baby mama. I want to chase the Will of the Father, and I truly believe this is it, so why can't I grasp it? Why is it continually brought down?

I don't mean to be such a downer, but my heart is so heavy just now.

Xo,
Ellen

Honesty from Ellen

Last year, I met a boy.

He's now one of my dearest friends.

And he's turned out to be one of the most amazing, incredible humans I have ever met.

And as any girl, like myself, would stupidly do, I fell in love with him. Somewhere between the donuts, the snapchat, the giggles, the Bible studies, and the dinners, I fell for him. I heard a quote once, "I fell in love like I fall asleep: slowly at first, then all at once". Yes. Because I can't pinpoint a moment; one day I just realized that I wanted him to be apart of the rest of my life.

I can both see this happening and being my forever, or I can see it getting shot down fast and hard. I can see him responding both ways; I can see it unfolding both ways.

I play tricks with my mind, running through the endless possibilities of what "might" happen or "could" happen or "probably will" happen. I get my belly in knots with fear of losing him or saying the wrong thing to him. I almost constantly worry that I am annoying to him, or that I have pushed him too far. I lose my ever loving mind all the freaking time, and go off, completely psycho on him.

And yet, he always stays. No matter how many petty things I yell at him about, no matter how many side eyes I give him, no matter how many times I get my fragile feelings hurt- he stays. To him, it's no harm done. To me, it's someone in my life who is faithful, even through the fire I douse him in. Please understand how huge this is. He stays. And he stays faithfully.

I am a person who equates love to feeling safe. And he makes me feel safe. Because no matter what kind of poison I have thrown at him, he lets it roll and he stays. This is why he has become one of my best friends, because he puts up with psycho me, so, so, so well.

I want and I long for him to be apart of my life, so badly, in a long term relationship way, that I have made the decision to let go of him.

Over the last several weeks I have made this comment to Kate many times, but I have begun actually acting on it. I have begun asking the Father to remove him from my grip- because my nature is to hold on too tightly. But I know when I do that, all I am doing is asserting my own will. All I want to do, is His will.

And then today, it happened. After all my prayers, and continually asking the Lord to soften my heart, to be open, to let go, and to treat him like the "just a friend" he is, my heart did something it has never before done when I have made the choice to let go: in my resolve and fruition of letting go, my heart began to ache. I was washing the dishes, when deep ache swept over me- realizing that letting go might mean I don't get him back. That giving him up might mean I don't get to hold onto him. But that was the point, right? To let go? So why did I ache so?

I believe because I finally did. I let go of the hope and dream of a "maybe one day" with him, and wholly resolved to enjoy my todays with him. Because today, he is just a friend, truly. I build up such a false reality of my "one days" that surrendering them, was painful. And today that pain settled on my heart.

I will continue to pray for him, I have no plans to stop that, but my hands are wide open. Free to receive whatever will the Father places on them, and willing to let go of whatever He takes from them. But I confess, today, my heart aches with the knowing of what may come.

XO,
Ellen

Thoughts from Kate- a love letter to God

"With you I am made new.
With you I am whole, not lacking anything.
You turn my darkness into light and my pain into joy.
You take my mangled and shattered, and make something beautiful.
With you I am brave.
With you I can take that first step off the edge.
Some days I don't know where I am going, but I know that with you I will be safe.
With you I am kind.
With you I can love with every fiber of my being.
With you, even my enemies know what it means to be loved. With you there is beauty in everything, even in the pain and darkness.
With you I have purpose.
With you I know what it means to have a burning passion.
You have given me dreams that fill my heart full of anticipation.
With you...I have you. No thing is greater. No person, no love, nor dream or reality.
With you there is the greatest love.
With you I have all I need."

The Day I Decided to be Body Positive

Body Positive.

Its a concept I came across on instagram when I stumbled upon the account "bodyposipanda" (seriously, look this chick up.) She had one of those ever beloved, transformation Tuesday, "motivational", before and after pictures. On the left, was a slender, fit, obviously very attractive-to-all-the-guys girl. And on the right, was a girl who was chubby. She had belly rolls, thigh fat, a slight double chin...this was her "after". And hands down she looked worlds happier than in her "before." And honestly, even more beautiful in my opinion, because happiness adds that kind of beauty.

Post after post she talks about how happiness isn't a number on the scale. You don't reach happiness when you reach a certain size, weight, or goal. If you're not happy right now, with the body you already have, you won't be happy when you get the body you think you want. It's such a simple concept. It's so true. And at that moment, I decided I was going to stop trying to lose the weight.

Being body positive, loving your body, and being happy with your body isn't saying "I love my body the way it is" and then eating whatever you want. Loving your body still means taking care of it. It still means eating good for you foods, and giving it exercise, because that's part of loving it. But the other part of loving your body, is loving it, even if it never changed ever again. For better or for worse. When I look in the mirror now, I'm not looking to see how skinny something makes me look or feel, but instead I'm looking to see if I like the style I'm trying out that day. I'm deciding on the color of something, making sure it's modest, and comfortable, rather than how my belly looks in it. I'm not 100% there yet, because I still don't like my belly, chubby thighs, or double chin, but I am learning to love these things about me, because they may never ever change. I don't exercise or eat well to lose weight, I exercise and eat well because I want to love my body and take care of it. But I'm not going to kill myself with either, because I love my body and I want to take care of it.

I want to be healthy, but that's the other thing this girl talks about: mental health. Psychical health has become socially more important than mental health. If you're fit, active, toned, have good eating habits, etc. you're considered "healthy" even though your mental health may be toxic. See, I get that. I love my mom so much, but she has suffered from an eating disorder off and on all through her life. Her mom is the same way. Even still they have had terribly unhealthy habits. Making unwise food choices: eating too much or too little. They are never satisfied with their bodies. Always and forever "ten more pounds". "once my body changes I will be happy."

No, happiness isn't at the end of my taco, but it also isn't at the end of your kale. Be healthy. Be happy.

Xo, Ellen

Only Sort of Feminist

Well it's international women's day. Logically, women were on my mind. I know a great many women, and many different kinds of women. I know women who work, women who stay home, women who have kids, women who have kids they adopted, women who work and have kids, women who work out, women who are overweight, women who are happy, women that are sour, women that are courageous, women that have wanderlust, women who speak three languages, women who are doctors, women who sell products out of their homes, women who have changed their world. In someway or another, every woman who has ever been has changed the reality of someone.

See, I don't call myself a "feminist". Because even though they proclaim "equality" they degrade men. Being woman is not oppressive. Women who think that have a warped perspective on what it is to be a woman! Being a woman is empowering and powerful, and always has been.

Women: the "man" behind their men:

Throughout history there is no doubt a great lack of recognized women in the renowned sense. But that's only when you look at the surface. Consider this: behind every great, powerful, and respected man in our history, there was more than likely a woman, not a man, who was there. There was someone making sure he had a safe haven, a clean home, clean clothes, food on the table, and that his babies were being raised right. But these women have always been so. much. more. Not only are they tending to the needs of their man, but they are also his greatest confidant, adviser and counselor. Women have such a rule and we don't even realize.

Women have always been powerful, but we have become discontent with humility. I don't say this lightly. Women have always possessed a natural power at commanding a room. The details of every woman's ability differs, but every woman is capable. And that's nothing new. What is new, is that we are shredding tradition that has cloaked us with a most attractive quality: humility. We've always been powerful, now we want people to recognize us for it. TEL ME HOW POWERFUL I AM. In our strive for the notable power, we have begun being a world full of awful people. We are actively degrading the system. Men who say "a woman can't do that" are being sexist. That is a true thing. But men who hold the door are being polite, chivalrous. Don't be offended when a gentleman offers to carry something heavy, that's not him putting you down, if anything, it thrusts you to a position of power over him. If that's what you crave so much, let him carry the darn box, and then you get to be the woman walking confidently, flaunting your womanly-ness and directing him.

 Allowing men to be men, thrusts you, naturally, into a position of power. If you want to get into the nitty gritty of a job, so be it. But when women say they "crave the power men have" I feel like they are talking specifically about being corporate leaders, and not getting into the dirty details of a job. Allowing men to fulfil their natural needs and desires to work hard, allows you the opportunity you so long for to be a person of power. Asserting your feminism only creates a fight, where asserting your femininity calls the attention you need to create power in a situation.

Women do have power, so much so, that we actually need to be really careful. Now that we have uncovered that women, do in fact, have great power, I have a warning. Women's power can quickly become manipulation. In our tasteful and classy ways of creating environments in which we have the power, be careful that you are not being a manipulator. Manipulation from a man is abuse. Therefore, in your fight for "equality", your manipulation is likewise abusive. Do not, do not, be a manipulator. Manipulators are toxic people.

Be feminine. And that will be enough.

But wait, there's more!

Remember when I was talking about the kind of powerful women used to be? I wanna touch back on that, because as powerful as it may seem and feel to command a room full of men in suits, I think the home is our greatest asset in our search for power. Not just being the biggest fan of the leaders in the world, but the molders, shapers, and trainers of the future leaders of this world. Being a mother is one of the most powerful positions ever created. Funny, it as one of the first ever created.

Women who work in the corporate world or in the home, it doesn't matter. You're your own kind of powerful! Own it! Work it! Use it! Make the world a better place with it!

#femininenotfeminist

Xo,
Ellen

Why "This Is Us" is a story for all of us

To be just completely honest, I started the show because Milo Ventimiglia. But I stayed with the show because I fell in love with all of them (Sorry Milo)

If you have experienced, gone through, done, or suffered any of the following:

• death
• adoption
• racism
• obesity/difficulty losing weight
• relationships(romantic and family)
• divorce
• discovering someone you love is gay
• eating disorder
• miscarriage
• step-parent relationship
• panic attacks/anxiety
• general confusion about what you're supposed to be doing with your life?

Then this show is for you, too.

I have quite literally never seen a show that singlehandedly takes on so many issues. One or two of these sure, but never all of them. Certainly, not all of these things are central to the story, but most of them are central for at least one or more characters. If you have ever wanted to see a show where there's that someone in it you can identify with, This Is Us is it.

There's something satisfying about watching a show, tears rolling down your cheek, and saying "yes. I thought I was the only one, but I'm not" because fictional or not, someone had to write it- which means someone has walked a road similar to yours, which means your reality has been a reality for someone else. There's comfort in knowing you're not alone, and This Is Us has done just that.

They way the show is done, you feel like you're walking this road of life with them. Also the way the show is written, you're trying to figure things out right along side them.

Besides just gripping you with dramatic yet realistic storytelling, This Is Us is a phenomenal idea. You don't know everyone's story. There's always so much more behind a person than just what they let you see. There's always an element to their story that has helped make a person into who they are today.

Watch This Is Us, and let it cause you to consider people more deeply, and more dearly. You don't know where someone else may be on their journey <3

Xo,
Ellen