Excerpts from the Diary

Dear Diary,

Wow. I don't think I have written those words since middle school. But my heart is full, and you've been my trusted confidant for so many years.

I feel so lost right now. Like I'm living a square shaped life, and trying to fit it into circle shaped circumstances. I feel like, I just need to go somewhere where I'm the stranger for a little while. Find a nice quiet, country pub and inn I can work in. Meet people. Discover their stories. Rest. Figure out who I am without having to fight the identity people are throwing on me. To be somewhere, where I am not having to live up to their expectations, but simply learning who I am, wholly in Christ. No social, familial, or work pressures. Just me.

I have been encouraged to write a book, and I confess I am tempted to try my hand at it. For real this time. My life isn't Rory Gilmore by any means, but hey, maybe I have something to say that someone needs to hear. Kate, as we're calling her, is the friend who suggested I write it. She offered that perhaps a detailed script of my life isn't what I need to write- but rather, a book of quotes that people can relate to. One liners or small paragraphs that speak from human soul to human soul- what better place to connect? There are so many feelings that so many people can identify with, and all it takes is one person to say it, for a thousand people to say "I thought I was alone, but now I know I am not."

I think if I ever did publish it, I would publish under the name Ellen. Simply because I love the anonymity it has brought me. I want to build Ellen, and become her. She is the goal for me. She is who I want to be. Ellen is bold, daring, and strong in her faith. She exudes Christ from every pore of her being. She broken, but twice as strong with the mending. She is who people want to be friends with, whom men want to woo and marry, and who young girls look up to.

I am trying as hard as I can to become Ellen. Courageous Ellen. But for now, it's just a name and a goal.

Thanks for listening diary. You always were so good at that <3

Xo,
Ellen

Dear Kate

Dear Kate,

No, your "real name" isn't Kate, but I wanted to be able to talk about you on my blog. My blog where I am Ellen, you became Kate. I confess I didn't even think about the name, it just popped into my head. "Kate" fits you so well. So Kate you are.

But I learned something after I had settled on this name for you. Do you know what Kate means?

Kate means pure.

Oh sweet Kate, you haven't felt pure in such a long time. How perfect of a name for you, to remind you always, that you are, in fact, pure.

You look in the mirror for your soul, and all you see is your darkness, your past, your grime. You don't see pure. Oh but when I look at you, I see redeemed. I see radiant. I see healed. I see whole. I see pure.

"We are all broken, that's how the light gets in." {Ernest Hemmingway}

You were broken, but you are mended, and the light shines through, dear Kate. Dear Kate! My closest and longest friend.

May you always know and rejoice in the purity He has given back to you. May you relish in His mercy and grace, and may you share that with others.

Find joy, sweet Kate, because you are pure. You do not bare the weight of your past any longer. He has made you pure. And you are lovely.

Xo,

Ellen

Pain of recent days

Do you ever just feel quiet in the valleys? Sometimes, I feel like I have agonized and screamed out in pain so much that I can't even speak, and I become very quiet.

I've had a very painful few weeks. Relationships I had high hopes for ended, circumstances with others became difficult, awkward, and tense, and loss I prayed so hard against, all became facets in some very dark days.

I haven't gone anywhere, but I have found myself very quiet, I have pulled into myself, instead of expressing myself- because it hurts so much less.

I chastised myself for being so unwilling to be vulnerable, but I don't think I can handle the possibility of being torn to shreds right now. My soul is feeling so weary that I'm keeping it kind of locked up. And when I do let it out, I can assure you, it is a most unpleasant sight. I am so very clumsy and careless in what I say. I've torn someone to shreds over something kind of trivial, simply because everything else was so pressing. 

Pray for me, readers. I covet them.