My whole life, sex was something we didn't talk about. Not in a good way, not in a healthy way, but also not in a bad way. We didn't talk about sex, at all. I was told, probably in 8th grade: "babies are made when mommies and daddies love each other very much." And this was the extent of the conversation. Too bad for my poor parents, it came two years after a friend of mine divulged the details of her family life class to me. Their patronizing explanation left me with so many questions, and with the smidgen of information I had kept to myself for years, I did what most curious children did, and I tried to put the pieces together.
Fast forward to 16 year old me, still trying to figure out the nuts and bolts of my own body, and I ask my best friend, "when they're trying to have a baby...does the guy have to pee inside of her?" Because the very basic "how things function" was never told, never taught. It was taboo. I didn't understand how bodies functioned in the basic sense. I knew what my period was, and that when I got pregnant, I wouldn't have one for nine months. But that was it.
And the thing about sex, is it's miraculous. It doesn't have to be this weird, uncomfortable conversation. Bodies do amazing things during sex- and they were designed to do that! How amazing?! And they were designed in such a way that sex is to be enjoyed by both people! And this was a conversation my parents and I never had. And now, its too late.
Because the other facet of the culture I grew up in was the idol of abstinence. There was no room for fault or failure and very little for curiostiy, and there was so much shame built into lessons on staying pure. It was well intended, and always done in love- but it was damaging. We still felt shame for simply having questions.
So what did we do in adulthood? We said "f your way of life" and we found love in all the wrong places. We figured out how things work on our own, because we were sick of being ignorant. We didn't just want answers anymore- where they would have satisfied our juvenile hearts, we are now adults, and information is better experienced than explained. So we found ourselves in the beds of lovers with no commitment, and our hearts became cold and confused.
We wanted to shatter the shame around it- and stop feeling guilty for feeling things. So instead, we threw ourselves deep into the life of having sex. Once it's open, it doesn't close. We are in the thick of sex, and love, and life. All the wrong ways, and I still don't feel shame.
The thing I wish I'd known, is that having sex, doesn't make sex less confusing. It explains how it works, how it feels, how mindblowingly amazing it can be- but instead of confusion of how things worked, was the confusion of what love really is.
Why is sex so built up? Stop making idols of not drinking, not having sex, and not cursing and just life your life like Jesus. He rough and tumbled with the worst of us, and He loved us anyways.
I'm not saying don't give a damn at all ever, but we have blown things so way far out of proportion. Why can't we have healthy conversations, in our families, our churches and our education systems about sex. Not in a way that glorifies it too soon, but in a way that doesn't build shame into it.
I'm not sorry. As someone with an abusive past, I was terrified of what my first time would be like. Why on earth would I want that first experience to be on a Caribbean island far away from anything familiar? It wasn't. It was with someone who, though we didn't love each other, took his time with me, and made me feel safe. And if nothing else, I have him to thank for a good sexual experience. Because he taught me without the shame I grew up in. But what if it wasn't good, and I panicked. Would I really want that fear built into my marriage? I would argue no.
What I want to understand now, is love and all it is intended to be. In each capacity, not just romantically or sexually. I don't regret it, I've learned from it. Should my story be different? Absoutly. The heroine isn't supposed to be so stupid. But it is what it is- we made our choices. Now we just learn from them and try to be better for them.
I don't have the right answer, but the conversation has to change. We have to do better for our kids. No more shame. No more secrets.
