Almost a month ago, I wrote and a vulnerable and girlish piece about my best friend, and the butterflies he started giving me. real life update? they haven't gone away. they feel less school girlie now, and a little more like, "yeah this is the direction I want for my life at least at this point" they're very specific butterflies. we've now gone out (as I said in a text to my sister, "gone out", gone out? not sure.) twice now. I don't hate spending time with him. even if we're just growing our friendship, I'm ok with that. I like getting to know him without having to compete. He and I are walking a fine line if we are headed towards something more than friends. It would rock our friend group a bit. I wonder if that's why it's going slower than maybe it normally would.
and then the demons show up.
you know, those little hellions that get into your thoughts and make you question everything. the ones that don't even try to find tact, they just straight up tell you "he's too good for you."
"have you seen his body? way out of your curvy girl league."
"have you seen his ex? you're not his type."
"have you heard what he talks about? you're not cultured enough."
"have you listened to his week? you don't work hard enough."
"have you seen your own dating success rate? you're not datable enough."
"have you listened to your own stories? you're not interesting enough."
"have you looked in a mirror? you're just not pretty enough."
no matter what they feed me, I am never enough. and i struggle to combat it because i feel that. I will not be enough for this guy because he is, wow. he's amazing. his motivation, his heart, his work ethic, his personality, his dreams...to be honest, his face, hair, and beard...this guy has so much going for him. what do I have to offer him, but a 5'2" chubby body, a "spicy with a side of awkward" personality, and the guarantee that I'll make him good food? not much. I listen intently when he talks about his job- he works hard and I want to understand what he does. but I 100% cannot explain it to you. (I can, however, tell you his job title, so hopefully, that's a plus) he is up on all the pop culture, I, am not...not at all. he loves to quiz me on songs and drop references and I wish I got them, but I don't. I don't want to be a disappointment to him right out of the gate. I want to be what he wants. I don't want him to be disappointed that I'm who he gets if I'm who he gets. but I feel that ache in my soul, to want to please him, and feeling like I just don't quite get there. If we do decide to walk this road, I want him to be proud of me. I want to know he will proudly introduce me to his family, his people. we'll see what happens, but its a lot right now, and to whoever reads this, just pray for me. ya girl needs it.
Xo,
Ellen
