Well. It happened. Reality kicked me hard to the gut. I'm still reeling from the impact, still feeling like I'm going to vomit.
I knew it wouldn't happen, I knew deep in my gut, but for whatever reason, I hoped even still that it would. I knew he wasn't going to fall for me as fiercely as I had fallen for him, but I allowed the "little things" to build up and used them to convince myself that he was as into this thing as I was.
But he wasn't.
So when he told me he had found someone else, I felt like he had jump kicked me to the stomach. I sat there, feeling like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, and shatter into pieces on my lap. In one quick comment from him, all the butterflies died. I could hear the blood rushing to my ears, screaming at me, "I told you so".
Over the last few weeks, feelings of inadequacy have plagued me.
"If I had been cooler"
"If I had been thinner"
"If I had been smarter...
...richer...
...prettier...
...funnier...
...more interesting...
...younger...
...less busy...
...more busy...
...been to university...
...had a better job..."
The list and the lies have droned on and on. They have left no thing untouched, and I feel completely deflated. What does she have going for her that I simply do not? Why could he never look at me and "wonder if". All it took for me was one "wonder if" and the snowball fall for him began.
So since mid-June, I've been trying to recover this blow I was not nearly as prepared for as I would like to have thought I was. And up until this week, I actually thought I was doing ok.
But here's the thing: he doesn't get it. He doesn't get a dang thing. He doesn't understand that everything I do towards him, I do out of love for him. Not romantic love, just deep, genuine, "I want the best for you" love.
If so many people thought he and I were together when we were not, then our behavior towards each other must change. In my estimation, this is very logical. However, he feels that since he started dating this girl, I have been just short of hostile towards him. I was sent multiple texts yesterday, informing me I have been "snappy" and "very rude" to him, and coming from him, this was devastating. He is one of the most gentle and kind people I know. This wasn't said lightly or without thought. I have tried to hold this whole thing together: bit my tongue, apologized for things I didn't feel I had done, I am still breaking my neck to protect him and make this friendship work, and yet he is upset with me for being "rude". I don't want to keep protecting him then. Let him ruin his own reputation and relationship- I tried. I cannot hold him up, and keep living too. I am breaking under the weight of it all.
I had expectations for this summer, so many expectations. And not only have none of them come to fruition, but things I hoped against have. What a disappointing and harsh reality.
All I have dreamed and prayed for is a Godly marriage and big family. I don't even have specific details for that dream and prayer, I just know that's what I long for. I don't care what color he is, where he's from, how we meet, or where we marry. I don't care if we have babies born of love between us, or if they grow first in our hearts, if they look like us or not, or all of the above- I just know I want several babies to love on and raise. I want to establish myself as his wife and baby mama. I want to chase the Will of the Father, and I truly believe this is it, so why can't I grasp it? Why is it continually brought down?
I don't mean to be such a downer, but my heart is so heavy just now.
Xo,
Ellen
